Friday, July 10, 2009

Break up perspective.

I have had my share of devastating break-ups. It is one of those things that I am in awe of. How can something so emotional cross over to cause physical pain? You hear these sayings in society all over the place. Things like "she broke his heart" and "she is lost without him." These sayings are things you truly come to appreciate once you live through a real separation. I can tell you that I have literally felt like my heart was physically hurt. I began to wonder why and how something like this can happen. Is it really just the fact that your emotional pattern encompassed the feelings of having this other person around? Were they just an emotional habit? Like coffee for your heart? I think that is why closure is so difficult for us to get. Can you quit smoking then meet up with a cigarette a few days later just for a few puffs and really expect to stay away? The alternative to this is definitely a bleak one. You can quit cold turkey. Probably the more irritating of all the options it is arguably one of the more effective in moving forward. Like a band aid, doing this hurts the most at the beginning but the pain subsides as time goes on.

Once free from the cloud of drama surrounding a break-up it is easier to see how compatible you really were with that person. The rose colored glasses have been not just removed but crushed all together and there is little you can do to see through those again. It is something you almost miss. The unconditional belief that this person was the closest thing to perfection that existed. It is similar to becoming an adult and beginning to see the world for what it really is. There is something to be said for the person initiating the separation. Sometimes it is a person making the hardest decision of their life and doing that takes courage. Other times, unfortunately it can be a selfish person doing what is best for them. Despite the reason it is a tough position to be in. The point is that there was at least 50% of the people in the relationship that was not happy being in it.

There are several things to focus on other than the hurt and emotional disturbance. Realizing that there is more out there. Take the time to heal and lick your wounds. Do things that remind you there is other reasons we are here. Find an outlet to release the negative and hurtful feelings. Take more time than you think before moving into another relationship. The odds are if you think you are ready taking a few more weeks would not be a bad idea. Making sure that you are healed is a good idea for not only yourself but for the sake of your next relationship. The one thing to remember is that heartache has never killed anyone and the only thing that would be a tragedy is if nothing was learned from it.

Argument about arguments.

It is one of our most hated and favorite thing to do. It is at the center of some relationships. It can serve as one of the most powerful tools in changing a life if you are the victor. Arguing is one of those things that if done properly can be twisted to sound like something other than it is. I can disguise it as a heartfelt plea to do the right thing. I can twist it to sound like a negotiation. It is a very flexible thing. What I have realized in my extensive use of the argument is that most of them come down to something that is hard to swallow. Opinions.

I like debating, arguing, and persuading. It is something I know I am good at and can even in the middle of my argument switch to the opposing side and begin to win their argument for them. I was thinking about how someone can do this and still maintain their belief in what they feel is the truth. I had to look at others when analyzing this due to me not being a very good reference for such a thing. In others, there seemed to be an almost desperate need to convince the opposing side. I do not see this as being a problem until the argument becomes about that rather than your original position of the topic at hand. We can all tell when someone is trying to sell us something. When we catch on we start looking for reasons to not be sold. It is our jobs as customers to come up with objections for the sales rep to overcome. That seems to happen in a lot of arguments. We lose site of the topic due to our need to convince.

I am not here to offer a how to on how to argue or even promote the idea. I am merely offering a perspective on what I witness. On average I witness way to many sensible debates/arguments evolve into full blown fights. Being passionate about your argument is great. Being passionate about convincing the other person is not. It is my experience that the most difficult thing to change in someone is their opinions. Opinions are biased, shapeless, and almost always subjective. Because of this, it is next to impossible for a person to reason with opinions. Another problem is using facts to dispute opinions. Most opinions were not based on facts but on bits and pieces of facts that apply in some way to that individual.

Arguments can be healthy. They can be fun. What they should not be is the cause of a relationship to end, a physical altercation, or a lifelong feud or grudge. The next time you find yourself in an argument try to appreciate the argument for what it is. First, an argument reflects the persons desire to convince you because they care for you. Second, appreciate the mental stimulus and exercise. Third, don't forget that if there is a battle of opinion then you may be in for a long and repetitive argument.

These little hiccups in friendships, marriages, and employment can just as easily serve as a common ground for different ideas, thoughts and perspectives. Confrontation and arguments will happen but let’s not forget that these can be at the base of stronger relationships and friendships than if they never took place.